Since it’s National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I thought I’d share a little bit more about my story other than what you may have read on our About page.
According to varying statistics, someone in the U.S. experiences an act of domestic violence by their partner between two and six times every minute. Statistics like this scare me, and for more than one reason.
I lived in an abusive marriage for more than 20 years. It wasn’t until January of 2018 that I got out for good. And I’m far from the only victim that lived (or lives) this special kind of hell.
People often ask and wonder why domestic violence victims stay. There are a variety of reasons why they stay, but a lot of the time it’s because they don’t really realize they are victims in the first place.
Here’s what I mean.
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Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships?
Abusive relationships often begin with the abuser showering love and affection on their victim. As time goes on and that behavior morphs into anger and abuse, abusers will blame the victim for their behavior.
For instance, an abuser might say “Well, I wouldn’t get so angry if you wouldn’t……”, and the excuses start.
If a victim is low on self-esteem or grew up not knowing what constitutes abuse, they will likely believe that they are indeed at fault for their abuser’s actions.
My kids and I fell into this cycle for nearly 20 years. Every time my ex would say “Well, I wouldn’t get so angry if you (or the kids, or the guys at work, or whoever)………..”, I’d say, “Okay, kids (or self), we need to do better.”
Of course we’d try to do better, but we could never be good enough to ensure he didn’t get angry–because our errors weren’t really the reason behind the abuse.
It may not make sense to a person who hasn’t experienced abuse, but abusers are typically very good manipulators.
And of course, there are often financial issues to consider as well for those contemplating leaving an abusive relationship.
It’s Not Really Abuse
Another reason abusers stay is because they may not feel the behavior is bad enough to constitute abuse. Maybe the abuser only acts violently when they drink.
Or maybe, it’s not physical abuse but psychological abuse. This was the situation in my family.
My ex rarely inflicted physical abuse on the kids, and I don’t know that he ever hit me. If he did, it’s long forgotten.
However, the emotional and psychological abuse he inflicted on us was devastating. He’d blow up and scream over the most minor incidents such as:
- a child spilling things
- someone talking too loud
- the smallest of messes
In addition, he’d hurl nasty names at us when he got angry, the likes of which I’m not comfortable sharing.
It sounds silly, but we just brushed it off, saying “Dad’s crabby again” or whatever. Because he didn’t hit us, we didn’t think it was abuse.
It wasn’t until we’d escaped the situation, got into therapy, and I started doing my own research that I realized what we were dealing with.
Many Abusers Are Very Subliminal In Their Tactics
My ex was what’s called a covert narcissist abuser. Simply put, this type of abuser is a saint in public and saves his (or her) rage and anger for the privacy of the home.
For that reason, people would often tell us how lucky we were to have such a wonderful husband/father. We believed what we were told, and this furthered his credibility when he’d tell us that his outbursts were our fault.
After I found out more about this type of psychological disorder, I also learned that many of my fellow stay-at-home homeschooling moms were or had been in a similar situation.
You see, these types of abusers (and other types as well) often seek out partners who are:
- submissive
- nurturing
- servant-hearted
- caretakers
In other words, they seek out partners who have a heart for taking care of others. Or partners who are okay with being led by a dominant partner.
Once you combine the subliminal tactics of the abuser with the submissive nature of the partner, you’ve got the perfect storm for unaccountable abuse to take place.
Other Issues as Well
Along with that, abusers often have other issues as well, such as addictions of some sort. The nurturer in the relationship feels compassion on and wants to help the partner overcome their struggles.
So once again, the focus is off of the victim and on the abuser, and the victim doesn’t typically even realize it’s happening. They’re used to being put on the back burner as the abuser’s needs take precedence once again.
What Finally Prompted Me to Leave
So, why did I leave, finally, after 21+ years of marriage? Well, it was a cumulation of things. I kicked him out in 2015 for six months (the first time I’d made such a bold move) as his addictions (alcohol, over-the-counter drugs and pornography that I know of) got pretty out of hand.
I made him promise to get counseling for all issues. He did, and I saw what I thought were real changes during the six months he was out.
Not two months after I let him back in, his decline started again. Or, more accurately, he couldn’t or wouldn’t keep the facade up any longer.
For the next two years, I begged and pleaded with him to get help. The angry outbursts were getting more frequent, to the point that I saw real declines in the emotional health our four children.
The Defining Moment
One Sunday in January of 2018, we were talking calmly when I asked him calmly if he would go spend a couple of days at his parents’ house.
Our oldest daughter was having a really hard time dealing with the outbursts. She needed a reprieve.
He lost it. He threatened a bloodbath in our house, one that would surely be followed by death, he said. I walked away, in utter disbelief as to what I’d just heard. This was a whole new level of violence.
Two days later I packed up the kids and pets, and sent him an email telling him that it was over and that I wanted him to leave.
He did, but what followed afterward was a nasty battle. Leaving a domestic violence situation isn’t always easy.
Leaving Isn’t Always Easy…..And Sometimes Feels Much Harder Than Staying
This is another reason why victims so often stay in abusive relationships. Leaving is difficult, and often dangerous.
In fact, up to 75% of abused women who are murdered by their partner are killed after they leave.
Throughout the 14 months between when I kicked him out and when our divorce was final, we went through some very tough stuff.
- We had to file for an emergency order for protection
- My kids had to share their story numerous times with varying authorities–very traumatizing for them
- We spent many days fearing for our lives
- My reputation was drug through the mud with outlandish lies
- Our finances were nearly ruined
The two years that followed the separation were some of the hardest, physically, emotionally, and financially that I and my children have lived through–even counting 20+ years of horrific abuse.
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I ended up, being a stay-at-home homeschooling mom in $55,000 in consumer debt with very little income. I did get 100% physical and legal custody of the kids thanks to an amazing judicial system, law enforcement staff, the local domestic violence center, and great legal representation where I live.
Healing Takes Time
But it’s taken quite sometime to overcome the physical, emotional, and financial scars we acquired in the process.
And I can’t go further without saying that we are only doing as well as we are thanks to our faith in Jesus Christ as our Lord, Savior, and Provider.
And we’ve still got a ways to go as far as our recovery is concerned–in all aspects.
BUT, to anyone still living in an abusive relationship or having recently left one, I have to say……
LIFE IS SO, SO MUCH BETTER.
We laugh freely now. We fight fairly. In addition, we are learning to be independent. And strong. And not quite as scared as we have been for the last 23 years.
In other words, it’s been worth it, all we’ve had to go through, in order to be able to have our lives back.
Self care and therapy have been vital. I believe this is important for all domestic violence victims.
And I have been able to secure child support for the kids. I denied long term alimony because I couldn’t handle the thought of him having control over me financially any longer. I needed to feel free.
That may have not been the smart financial choice, but it was the right psychological choice for me.
Where We’re at Today
Today we are…….improving. Nicely. My kids are happy and healing well, and so am I.
I have two businesses and two jobs. It’s tough and I work LOTS of hours, but we’re making ends meet and are able to pay cash for the things we need. We’re on our way to a secure financial picture.
There is SO much more to this domestic violence story. I’m not sure exactly how, but I am going to be weaving bits of it into many of my future posts.
I acquired this blog thanks to the gifting of a dear friend of mine. I’ve sat on it for several months, not knowing quite what to do with it.
I could follow SEO protocol and make it a cash cow without purpose.
But I’ve decided I’d rather use it as a platform to help others.
To help those who need a little cents and order in their lives. Or a lot of cents and order.
No matter what your story is, I’m convinced you have it in you to overcome if you’ll commit to working your tail off and not giving up.
I hope you’ll join me on this journey to cents and order in your life, no matter what your situation is. Because you deserve better.